Help me Smash the Fear

Hey yo

My stage fright has come back…. My fright to sing at all in front of anyone actually, is back with a vengeance.

Last friday, I was hanging out with my friend and her boyfriend and his mates. She is from Canada, He is from Barbados as are his friends and one of the guy’s girlfriend’s is Greek.

The only reason their nationalities are important is because I was inspired and a tiny bit jealous at how free they all are. I mean free as in confident, & not fucked up, not particularly self conscious and incredibly cool & light to chat with. Some of them are pretty musical and play guitar and sing etc etc…

My friend pulls out the guitar and starts to sing, in fact, SHE asked US if we would mind if she played for us. WHOAH, GO GIRL. She is super flipping cool and it really is true that Canadians are safe as fucccckkk. ANYWAY

She does her thing and is great, she has a great musical ear and her playing was just perfect. Then one of the guys does the same thing! In my mind I was freaking out in case they asked me to sing and I couldn’t even join in when I knew one of the songs, I was frozen stiff scared.

what the helllllll man, what is wrong with me! (don’t answer that)

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Then the greek goddess puts on Solange…. there was no stopping me! I did not care anymore and we were dancing and singing at the top of our voices trying to lure the others to join us but they would not haha… too busy shooting shit in the kitchen to dance around with these 2 pumped up on girl power girls. She then puts on more rnb bangers and all 3 of us girls were singing at the top of our voices and pretending we were a girlband. (although I think we would smash it in a girlband IRL)

If the music is loud, I WILL sing loud but if I think people are actually listening to me…. I freeze and the anxiety that cripples a lot of my daily life comes along with it’s mate ‘stage fright’

I love my british friends, obviously, but the subtle (or not so in some cases) cynicism and  uptightness is pretty damaging to artistic types….the ones who maybe don’t have the gene that is the ‘self big up’ thing. i.e me

I am guilty of it myself! People with guitars at parties back in the day used to grate on my snobbery and would encourage a certain dickishness to come out in my head. Others who felt the same would conjoin together in some sort of dick off circle, judging & sending bad vibes.

In reality, this person (regardless of their skill or playing ability or even in some cases ability to hear that the guitar is OUT OF TUNE) is sharing something in that moment that is pure and unashamed and pretty beautiful actually.

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This all may sound super obvious to you nice people out there, but I have a proper music snob in my head.

Luckily, over the last few years it has started to soften and I now just think people are beautiful and sweet for wanting to share whatever they are feeling at that moment in time whether it is through music or poetry or drawing or art or whatevs.

You wana share with me your weird and wonderful thoughts then please send them over to me!

So in light of all this waffling on

Here is a video i have been sitting on for a while of my first open mic I ever did with original material

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Both of the original pieces in this vid have moved along to different versions so are a bit null in void BUT it doesn’t matter. This is what they were then and hopefully when I get some up to date confidence in me right here right now you can hear where they travelled to!

I finally saw it… AMY. 10ish thoughts/learnings from watching the Doc.

I have no idea where to start. An experience of extreme dualities that’s for sure.

1.a Great and moving to see some old school footage of Amy, family days, youth orchestra days, being goofy with friends etc etc

b. Not so sure about the clips. seeing as she had no say in what the clips were used for.

2. a. Warmed my heart to hear interviews with her nearest and dearest i.e her 2 best friends from way back exclaiming their love and admiration for Amy and her endeavours. 

b. The blame that was subtly laid on a few’s backs through these interviews wasn’t so nice to see.

3.a Super inspiring to me as a singer and songwriter her confidence and love in the craft. 

b. how quickly the music industry and culture can turn a bright spark into an addict of unsavoury substances.

4a. Love is beautiful, powerful, inspiring and far reaching. 

b. Love can be manipulated into accompanying misery in the name of solidarity.

5.a All families have a past. 

b. People that live in glass houses, shouldn’t throw stones i.e if anyone’s family past get’s into the hands of filmmakers there is always blame to lay, just depends on which way the slant leans.

6.a Crack is wack 

b. Crack is still wack… Stop with the comeback y’all, in the past month I have heard it mentioned way too lightly way too often. Brighton needs some TLC on the whole. Cocaine will get boring eventually everyone!

7a. Heartbreak can be a beautiful thing that can benefit mankind.

b. If something has such a positive impact broken, why try to put it all back together again? Amy cut herself too deep trying to mend herself and Blake back together.

8a. The media are OUT OF CONTROL. 

b. They must be stopped. Where are the privacy laws?! Where are the people fighting to keep safety first! Who are these rats who can stand by and mock the mentally unwell into a ‘money shot’ for the disgusting Murchocian media.

I love her all the more after getting an insight into her personality and surroundings. I know she was a drug addict, and I know she was an alcoholic, I know she smoked weed and I know she was reckless with her commitments and time. I do believe everyone around her tried to save her as best they could, and I do believe that both of her parents wanted the best for her. From the documentary it seemed like she had suffered too much damage in a short space of time that she was always going to be a young departure, but I do believe that there is more to this particular story. Too much money flying around the place for it to be mess-free I’m afraid!

I remember where I was when I heard, it was my mum’s birthday and we are both massive fans. I cried and still cry about the sadness of her passing, and believe she had a ton more to give if only she would have pulled through her twenties. 

Grateful is not the word, I am honoured to have existed at the same time as her. Everything I have learned from her fall I will take forward with me and keep keeping an eye on my nearest and dearest as best I can. 

p.s Thankyou Amy Winehouse for your truth, beauty, perspective, heart and art!